Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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