I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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