he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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