I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
