nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
