The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
