You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize