On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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