Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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