i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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