Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
