Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
