The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Can you bring me the toilet please
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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