false alarm. still invincible.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
