Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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