Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
