I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
