i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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