I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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