Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
