Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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