I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
