Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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