1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
