you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
