It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Why can't burritos get me drunk
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
