My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Randomize
