I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
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