I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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