I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
