i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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