I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
