He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Pooping to opera.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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