the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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