I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
