his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
