dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
