You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
