1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
