some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
i now understand why vodka
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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