She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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