I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
