...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
