We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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