Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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