i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
