we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
