God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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