I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
