I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
