matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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