I want you more than these girls want KFC
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
