I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
FUCK WHALES
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
