Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
