Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
