I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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