meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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